I awakened in 2021. My 3 year process starting at "no idea what this is" to "I'm fictionkin" was backwards and overly complicated. All that matters now is that I know what I am. The way I interact with others and post my own work also drastically changed during that time. Now I have to accept the reality of what my identity means when it comes to trying to interact with other people in "fandom."
Quick aside: AKIRA by no means has a traditional or huge fandom. It's a small community.
I used to write traditional fanfiction. As I became more aware of my fictionkinity and what it meant to me, I got uncomfortable with this. I didn't want to write outside my perspective but I didn't want people to insert themselves into my work either. It got too uncomfortably personal to share with "fandom" people. I stopped writing publicly and deleted everything.
My art was simple. I copied Otomo's style as I got back into art and I drew everything "on model." I didn't add my piercings or moles; didn't draw myself as I really was -- transgender. No noemata. I didn't draw Kaneda like how I remembered him. At first it was only because I was still new to this part of who I am. Now the thought of stripping away all the noemata and personal connection to my art makes me cringe. I rarely post my art even if I do draw a lot. When I do I often regret it.
At face value, the things I make function the same way as fanworks and serve as a way for me to express my special interest in AKIRA. But it's not supposed to be for anyone except me, even if I do post it. I guess when I post, I'm trying to say "hey! this is me! you know me from the books and shit, but this is really me!" or something. Like anyone's listening.
I didn't mention my fictionkinity anywhere for a long time. I haven't directly experienced anti-kin sentiments but I've seen it. Off-hand comments in online spaces, a warning in someone's bio telling weirdo losers like me off, whatever. "If you think you're a fictional character, I will not feed into your horrific delusions..." sort of shit.
Seeing varying degrees of this behavior made me really anxious and angry; afraid to be myself. My personal belief that I am/was Tetsuo Shima from AKIRA doesn't effect my quality of life. I'm well aware of reality and how lame it is. I'm living in it. I'm just weird. But sometimes I sit around and I wonder when someone's going to come into my Tumblr inbox and heckle me over this shit.
Maybe I'm over-prepared for reactions that will never come because I'm not a "drama-seeking fictionkin" in a popular fandom. Someone who doesn't know how to vent their frustration and discomfort with being "mischaracterized" or "treated poorly" in the right way. But I get that because I feel it too. I just deal with it away from randoms on the Internet who didn't ask for my input as much as I didn't ask for their headcanons.
As far as I know, this is one of the main points of contention between fandom and fictionkin. Not just headcanons -- but that's one example. The "personal reality/identity" versus some characters just being something for people to "play" with. Our identity is some inherent threat to others' enjoyment, even if we don't step on toes and we keep to ourselves.
So what do I post about? Seems like I don't do much at all. What am I so worked up about, writing this essay, if there's not even a dozen people posting about AKIRA on a good day and no one's come at me for existing yet? I don't know. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact I don't necessarily want to talk to people but I want to talk about AKIRA so fucking badly. I want to be seen. All of this, just not in the way people might think.
Shit, I find it easy to talk about AKIRA with people who have no idea what it is. I can analyze it in certain ways. Criticize it. Get excited about my favorite volume or the animation or whatever. I can talk about AKIRA like a "normal" person. I think most people who know AKIRA don't want to have conversations like those every time. They probably want to talk about character relationships and "who's gayer" and memes and stuff.
I want to talk about the cold air around me when I walked into Akira's chamber; the explosive freeze that passed over me but didn't touch me. How much I fucking hated that Clown, how good it felt to wreck his face in. The emptiness of space ringing in my ears.
That fucking power. All those pills. What riding through Neo-Tokyo at night was really like. What that shitty dive bar smelled like, how the seats felt, and the songs Kaneda played all the time. I could talk about Kaori... how I actually met her.
But that's not very "fandom-friendly" of me, I guess.