I'm sure a lot of people are writing their "last blog entry of 2024" right now. This year was good and bad and whatever at the same time. It was better than last year at least. I really don't want this blog post to come off as too sentimental or whatever. I guess it can't be helped.

Saving up money and getting motorcycle gear was a huge goal this year. Not that I can jerk myself off too much because I lost my job and still don't have a motorcycle. Maybe 2025 I can find a job that won't fuck me over and finally get my bike. At least I have money to sign up for courses when they open.

My website wasn't a goal before 2024 but I took the chance just because I wanted my username on Neocities. I've come a long way from formatting forum posts to building my own website with "whatever, it works" code. I don't know how my site will improve but I'm happy with it now.

Last thing is I'm proud for being more outspoken about being fictionkin. I spent a lot of time minimizing myself even if it made me angry. I'm still learning but at least I talk about it. At first I kept quiet because I didn't have the resources to understand. Then it was because people are miserable cunts. Now I'm doing all that introspection I've been missing out on. Yay.

2025 will be another year of loving AKIRA. April 23rd is my 4 year anniversary of watching the movie for the first time. I can't wait for the rest of the Complete Works AKIRA re-release. Excited for everything else Otomo is working on. I hope more opportunities like Kodansha House come by. It would be nice if 2025 is the year I finally make my cape.

Last thing I want to rant about: People need to give up on "cringe." Seeing someone wail about how "OMFG SOOOO CRINGEY" whatever they're doing is isn't cute. It won't stop some people from thinking you're weird, stupid, or lame. It doesn't make you look better than people who don't say everything they do is cringe. Self-awareness is good but shut the fuck up.

Sometimes I whine about looking stupid because I'm an angry asshole who hates being vulnerable. But motorcycles are dangerous machines spawned from the depths of hell or whatever and I'm going to ride one all the time. I won't have time to think about "how extremely cringe I was" if I get slammed by somebody in their truck. I think we'd all be better off if we stop giving so much of a shit.

Happy new year.

My life is boring right now. Fuck the stupid blog being about my stupid life, I'll just make it about AKIRA like I do with everything else.

I bought a new Young Magazine (#8 - 1984.04.16 - episode 32) issue. I'm so fucking excited for it because this is one I've wanted for a while now; the price finally lowered enough for me to just say fuck it and get it. The title page is a watercolor spread of Akira walking out of his chamber. Otomo's work with watercolors is my favorite ever. There are some colored pages in the opening, still in that painted style, with me and Akira there.

This will make 4 Young Magazine issues in my collection. I don't think I'll ever have all of them, because the first issue AKIRA showed up in regularly goes for $3,000+... as well as a couple others with iconic covers that Otomo drew. One I can easily think of is this one which is on eBay for no less than $950 AT LEAST. LMAO. This shit is insane sometimes. Many of the magazines aren't available on the internet anywhere.

I don't even want all of them. I've only some issues so far because they have alternate pages that got removed when AKIRA was being collected into tankōbon. The one Young issue I need before I die is Young Magazine #25, episode 104. Ugh.

I was busy drawing Kaneda recently so I had to listen to a lot of music that reminded me of him. I put on my "kaneda's music" Spotify playlist and ended up working on that while I took breaks from drawing. It's not one of those character playlists, but it's about the music he likes -- or liked. I ended up writing a lot of "noemata" about him and "his" music.

Not to sound stupid but being able to listen to music that reminds me of him (not because the lyrics fit his personality or things he did/that happened, but because HE listened to it) in this way is even better. He listened to a lot of 80s-90s music, especially j-rap, hip-hop, and pop-rock type stuff. Things with rhythm and funk and all that. Cool guy music or whatever.

I could really go on forever about AKIRA. It's too late for this. It's not close to New years, but I do have a "resolution" already. Aside from getting my bike (feels impossible now), I want to draw a lot more. I get in my head too much about art and it keeps me from making it. Bye.

Been too cold to work on my website. The heating in this house doesn't exist for shit. I changed the index page AGAIN because I'm not happy with it. Sucks because I think every other page is fine. I'm not sure what else to do with my index to be satisfied with it. Maybe I'm just not in the fucking mood to work on this

I take back what I said about Bluesky but i'm not jumping ship like a headless chicken either. It's not irreparable like Twitter but whatever's going on right now is lovely. Guess that's what I get for not being a hater for 5 seconds and checking something out. it took me so long to go to Bluesky because of the "here's the new place!!!! no heres the new place!!!!" annoyance

now I'm sure people will move away bluesky because of all of this and then look for some other shit. then that place goes to hell. Social media is a neverending curse, I get it. I'm tempted to just keep my tumblr. but I want to keep in touch with the 5 people I actually like on this planet and they're not really on there "anymore"

The internet just sucks same old story

I took down my kin page to rework it but then I realized, actually, I'm taking it down indefinitely. I didn't want to make a page in the first place. Old versions of my site didn't have one but I wasn't upfront about being fictionkin either.

Sharing overly personal things on the Internet is not "me." I made that kin page/directory so I could "practice" being even more open about my experience with fictionkinity, but why? What's the point if while I'm doing it I feel like I'm forcing myself?

My main goal is to be more proud. I'm fictionkin. I won't be scared to say it or embrace it. I don't care what other people think of me; they can go to hell. To achieve that, I thought it meant I also had to bear my soul and share my most personal shit for the Internet to eat up. I don't. At least I'm not willing to.

Despite that, I want to document my experience and talk about being kin for my sake. Doing that by making a special place on my public website and forcing myself to share personal work is too much. I'm fine with keeping more "personal" posting to a quiet side blog, or a private account, or my friends' messages.

My personal writing is another thing. My issue is people probably see it one way (fanfiction) and might even insert themselves in it because I write from my POV. Yeah, a first person POV forces you in someone's shoes. But in fandom it's more like "omg I'm in the character's brain seeing the worms wiggling around, my blorbo, how accurate or inaccurate are they??!!!!" I don't know. I hate it.

One of my kin essays I have planned is about fandom, fictionkinity, and realizing I'm inherently not fandom-friendly, actually. Going forward I still want to mention kin stuff in my blog. I still want to post art. Write a couple essays. I'm just not going to force myself to give people something I don't actually want to share.

I don't have much to talk about. Right now my bike feels so far away it's almost impossible. $5,499 is a lot of money but it's not just about the bike. I still have riding courses to take and a license to get. I don't get paid that well.

Buying used is always an option but I don't want to inherit some idiot's bad decisions. I'd rather make my own.

I've been thinking about finding time to re-read AKIRA again. It's been a couple years since I last did. I miss it even if it's always in my thoughts and everything. AKIRA is a part of me. I'm a part of it. But something always gets in the fucking way when I try to sit down and go through it all again.

It's like being homesick all the time. When I do get around to it, maybe I'll talk about it here.

Working on my site like crazy. It was better to upload it than wait for it to be 100% done. It's not fun to upload if it's finished anyways. Putting demands or whatever on myself for no reason. Most of my time is spent with visual tweaks more than anything but I'm glad it's out there now. I can move forward.

It's been a few days since the election. I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said.

MSF courses are closed for the year. It's cold. I can't do anything except put money away every paycheck for my bike and other motorcycle-related expenses. I've thought about getting a dirt bike. It's not a street-legal vehicle so I don't need a license for it. I've always wanted to ride dirt bikes but never had the money or space for one. It would be good practice.

My friend and I went to Kodansha House last weekend. I haven't been able to write any blog entry or work on my site's overhaul because I've been too busy. Shocking.

Kodansha House was great. We got there a few hours after it opened and met up with someone else we know. I took a dozen pictures but I still feel like I didn't get enough. The line for the bike photoshoot was to the entrance so we had to wait there for what felt like an hour. The whole time we were talking about AKIRA and Otomo.

I got all kinds of pictures. I took a few photos of the outside and the giant AKIRA spine lined up in the "bookshelf entrance" or whatever it's called. I couldn't really think the whole time I was there. It was emotional seeing all that. Hearing strangers talk about it made me tense. That sounds fucking stupid but that's how I felt.

Kaneda's bike was cool. I didn't do the "meme" and neither did my friend; we took our own pictures. I was stupidly excited when it was finally my turn. Lmao thinking about it now gets my head buzzing. Sitting on his bike made me think about a lot of things. My friend took some pics of me and I grabbed the handlebars and I realized the model had actual controls. Turn signal, horn, clutch, front brake, throttle. I was so shocked haha

We had limited time with all the people waiting for that photoshoot, the staff were telling us to not take too long. I wanted to sit on it longer and take more pictures. I wanted to play with the controls and think about stupid shit in my own little world. I wanted to walk through the line again, staring at all the pages from AKIRA I've seen dozens of times before. I would have sat down with my friends and flipped through AKIRA. That's all I keep thinking about, what I could have done.

My mood has been terrible since we left and it's been almost a week. I'm just angry. I didn't get enough time there. It's AKIRA, I should have had all the time with it that I want... then I remember that AKIRA isn't just something me and my friends like. It's something millions of people enjoy, whether they do it for some vapid reason or not.

But I'm glad I got to go. I couldn't go to the cel exhibition and I can't make it to the Shibuya Tsutaya Pop-up event but at least I could make it to this.

I'm not gonna write entries every day but I have a couple things I'm willing to share. A friend and I are planning to visit NYC for Kodansha House pop-up event later this month because there's AKIRA involved. We're only going for the event, which might seem like a waste of time but I'd do almost anything for AKIRA. I want to take pictures of everything AKIRA-related.

Also I watched Tetsuo: The Iron Man today with a couple friends. It was interesting. The soundtrack was my favorite but I've already listened to In-House Pharmacy's revisit album a dozen times before. The visuals were a 10/10. Sound design and special effects were great. I like mechanical/body horror concepts, I guess I find familiarity in them like always. The movie didn't leave a huge impact on me but at least I can say I've seen it.

Machine Girl's new single resonates with me. Part of me wonders if the song is a reference to AKIRA and me. Maybe I'm stroking my ego too much thinking that 'cuz that looks fucking ridiculous typed out. Every lyric hits hard and the sound is great. I also connect with their other single, Motherfather, for more abstract reasons. I'm excited for their new album.

First entry on my new blog page. I want this to be a more proper "blog" but I don't think I ever want to share enough of my life with strangers on the Internet to make something like a detailed "journal."

Spur of the moment and life updates and whatever else will go here I guess. I might inject casual fictkin ramblings here. Mentioning stuff like: "wow I saw art of myself and I felt very good about it" or "I listened to this song and thought about this" or something. I won't ever go as in depth as my actual 'kin page but yeah.

I ordered an AKIRA VHS recently because the case is my favorite out of all the AKIRA tapes that exist out there. Funny thing is I don't think I have a VHS player anymore. One that works, anyways. Lol lmao even